There are universal constants that constrain existence and give it order, logic, and, some say, meaning. These immutable laws have shaped us and the world around us. For example, speed limits, such as the speed of light, and structural limits, such as the strength of the strong and weak nuclear forces, turned what was once a nearly homogeneous mixture of hydrogen and helium into the sea of wonders we behold when we look up into the night sky.
The Physics of Fucking
Not all constants have to do with science, physics, or even the physical world. Humans are subject to these hard and fast rules as well. You and I aren't so different from the stars and planets that populate the inky dark abyss of space.
One of these rules is that if you raise your daughter as a devout conservative catholic, they'll become a professional cock sucker. I've seen it happen time and time again. It turns out that people in the bronze age who invented all this bullshit were kind of retarded.
But I have them to thank for my whole life. If it weren't for Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, there wouldn't be nearly as many porn stars and porn websites for me to review. How tragic would that be? There is some alternate universe out there where I'm writing about current events, local bands, or some other garbage. What fresh hell that would be?
I'm endlessly grateful to be in this universe and not that one. I can't think of a better subject to write about than porn. I'm living the dream, good people.
And helping me live the dream are bitches like Ivy LeBelle. Ivy was born in Los Angeles, California, on June 15th, 1987. She spent her whole childhood in the LA area, soaking up the sights and sounds of the big city.
As a teen, Ivy's folks packed up and moved to studio city in the southeast Fernando valley. Her conservative catholic family tried to keep her out of trouble, but that was going to be impossible. At nineteen, she became a makeup artist. Eventually, to make ends meet, Ivy supplemented her income by dancing and erotic modeling. The groundwork was laid for Ivy's asshole to make its big screen debut.
From Makeup, to Make Out
Her makeup work eventually led Ivy to work on porn shoots, which got her interested in the industry. The performers were making a lot more money than the makeup folks, and it looked kind of fun—certainly more fun than rubbing foundation on people.
Finally, at the age of thirty, Ivy filmed her first porn scene for Amateur Allure. Afterward, she tried her hand at being independent but eventually signed with the world-famous Splieger Girls, who made hundreds of careers come to life.
Getting her start at thirty meant Ivy was immediately thrown into the milf category. She inhabited it well and became one of the fastest-growing milfs in porn.
Before Ivy knew it, she was working with all the most prominent names in porn, including Filly Films, 3rd Degree, Naughty America, Deeper, Brazzers, Pure Play Media, Burning Angel, Kink, Elegant Angel, Pure Taboo, Wicked, Evil Angel, Hard X, and Jules Jordan Video.
Now that you know her credentials, let's take a deep dive into her Twitter account. The first thing in her description is, "My music taste is better than yours." Why do I have a strong feeling this is a lie. People only ever say that when their music taste is fucking garbage. She's probably listening to a bunch of Josh Groben, Smash Mouth, Nickleback, and whoever did that terrible radioactive song.
Afterward, she warns fans that this is her only Twitter account and she doesn't have a Snap Chat. The only place to find new content is her Link Tree posted after the description.
Ivy joined Twitter in December of 2016 and has since attracted over five hundred and thirty thousand followers. That number grows by leaps and bounds every day.
Get Me In Trouble
The pinned tweet at the top of Ivy's page is the perfect Twitter cover letter. It features a picture of her tits along with the caption, "The good kind of trouble." This is definitely the type of trouble I want to get in. You could stick a Viet Cong bungee pit in that bitches pussy, and I'm still smashing.
Ivy is getting ready to make a significant life change and has been bringing her fans along for the ride. She spent her entire life living in LA, but it's time for Ivy to make the move to the big apple. She got an apartment in Brooklyn and is looking forward to building a life in New York City.
Ivy has been shooting plenty of content for Halloween this year. She just wrapped on a scene featuring a sinful priest as a stunt cock. He fucks the shit out of Ivy from behind while his cross dangles on her back. Shockingly, I don't see any burn marks.
Ivy always thinks of her fans first. That's why instead of going out to a Halloween party on October 31st, she instead live streamed. I know you lonely, friendless fucks didn't have anything to do that day, so I hope you had the chance to see Ivy do her thing. And I do mean "do her thing."
Washing his Dicksciples Feet
Ivy does plenty of retweeting on her page, especially if it's good things about her. She recently retweeted a post from a fellow performer that called Ivy's feet "The prettiest feet in the world."
She definitely has cute feet, but I can't say definitively that they're the best. There are too many feet out there to be sure of such a thing. However, if you have a foot fetish, I think you'll be spending a lot of time jerking off to this cunt.
If you have a thing for tattooed feet, then you might even fall in love. There is nothing like getting a foot job and nutting on the tats of Jesus and Mary that Ivy has on her tootsies.
Ivy wanted to offer fans a special deal to celebrate her favorite holiday. She settled on making her VIP page only $6.66 for twelve hours during Halloween. Hopefully, you got the chance to take advantage of the discount. If not, don't worry. Ivy often does holiday discounts, so it won't be long until you can try again.
In case you were wondering, according to a late October post, Ivy does sleep in her birthday suit. It's good to know morning sex won't be an issue. I can simply roll over and slide in.
Ivy donned many costumes over October, including that of an undead cheerleader. While her outfit was fun and sexy, it was her caption that got me. She posted a quote from Jennifer Check, "It smells like Thai food in here. Have you guys been fucking?"
I have to say, I've fucked countless women during my years on this planet, and none smelled like Thai food. Not all smelled good, but none smelled like fucking pad thai or drunken noodles. However, on that note, I think I'll order takeout for lunch today.
Robbing the Cradle
My younger readers will be happy to know that Ivy Belle loves fucking younger dudes. She wants to teach the next generation how to crush pussy properly. You'll never learn that from fucking other twenty-year-old bitches. They don't know what the fuck they want in the sack.
You need an experienced milf who can teach you how to play a pussy like a Berkley grad plays the violin. You must turn the pussy into an instrument and play it in every key. Let Ivy show you the way.
As you make your way around Ivy's Twitter, you'll find that she does a great mix of lesbian and straight content. She is equally talented at riding dick as she is licking clit. Ivy is a one-stop shop for all your cum needs.
Ivy recently posted about something the two of us share in common. I'll quote her directly, "I'm obsessed with my own butt." While I'm not obsessed with my butt, I am obsessed with her butt. It's a fucking work of art. Perfect for slapping, spanking, biting, and, of course, penetrating.
Ivy is a naughty bitch who loves making your dick hard. Her gorgeous body, beautiful face, and talented pussy will have you reaching for your dick time and time again.
My one complaint about Ivy's Twitter is that she retweets herself quite a bit, so you might see the same post three times in a short span. I get that she's trying to get eyes on her content, but it's a bit much.
What's there not to love about Ivy LeBella? Why don't you go stroke your shaft to her Twitter page right now?
